Upon dozens of requests - at the urgings of both men and women, I have been asked to clarify what is an actual satisfying oral sex experience. I'll start with "for Men" - because 1. I'm a girl and 2. Hope to win a Pulitzer with this info! ( we all know more women then men vote for those......)
FOR MEN:
There are a few percentage of you who do IT ( oral sex) right. Congrats. Hopefully you didn't learn it from your Dad, but you sure as hell didn't learn it from Porn. All women classify you in one of the following catagories. (unless you ROCK! Then there is nothing to bitch about so we say nothing)
Take heed and learn:
1. THE NO HANDS PIE EATING CONTEST:
This guy is the one who is all over the place. He doesn't know where to start or quit. In his head there is an imaginary starter pistol going off and he (no pun intended) thinks you will too if he covers as much area as possible in the shortest amount of time. Dude. All she is thinking is "get off me" and sometimes " GOD! what did he eat for lunch and I hope it doesn't give me a yeast infection!" If this is you. Give up. You clearly don't enjoy it and neither do we.
2. THE GREYHOUND CHASING THE BUNNY AT THE RACETRACK
You already have us where you want us. We are poised to perhaps be your personal slaves for at least three days. We ( not to be redundant) are ALREADY waiting and posed. Guys like this will sometimes hear "Oh God! Please Stop" ( yes we try to make it sound sexy so that we actually have real sex later) but when a guy hears "Oh god! Please Stop!"..........If we are looking at the top of your head while saying it? It means "STOP YOU JACKASS! YOU CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" It means that your mouth has already chased us halfway up the bed frame and at this point, we just want to get our nether regions a warm cajolement, a sucker and a band-aid.
3. The ADHD ORAL SEX LOVER.
This is one of the most frustrating men of all time... except for the rest. The SECOND he hits the right spot and you moan appropriately - he gets distracted and moves somewhere else. Is it too hard to imagine that, in ALL other circles and communications you have had with women, she usually does NOT say what she means - but in this instance a MOAN means please plant your ass down, commit, and pretend you are a robot repetitively for a few minutes at least. If you are a girl in a long term committed relationship you will start timing your moans at completely inappropriate terms in hopes that he will get distracted and then accidentally (distractedly) linger to the spot you wanted. Then you shut the fuck up.
4. THE 'I CAN'T FIND A DIME ON A DOLLAR BILL"
Guys. It's not an incredibly tiny spot to find. Imagine if I said you could win a sex lottery if you found a dime on a dollar. Guys like this are the kind of guys who invest in "genuine un-circulated gold COINS" for their retirement. Get a Judy Blume book and figure out the basic anatomy of a female person. It's not that hard. In fact - It's a QUARTER on a crumpled dollar bill. It is also shiny and on top. If you can't find it after that description - your eyes are worn out due to internet porn. When you ask us to give you "head" we can at least figure out the basics - we don't immediately go for the space between your nut sack and thigh... which leads me to....
5. BLOW JOBS / GIVING HEAD AND ANAL
When YOU want it - can you please try not to remind us that it's hard?
Blow jobs - yes we are actually stamping our time clocks and praying to god we can swallow without pain later if it takes longer than 10 minutes. Your job in OUR area is to (GENTLY) lick and suck. Something you would do to a dispassionate lollipop. OUR job is to ram a broom inside our throats for about 5-15 minutes. Blow "job". It certainly is - so STOP CALLING IT THAT. It just reminds us.......It's work.
"Giving head" also - what a sexy phrase! Because after about 5 1/2 minutes, my head IS actually about to fall right off and land next to the platter aside John The Baptist's. Except that you are Salome and we are the smiling, loving women who adore you. Why not change it to "Giving jewelry later" and we will be so much more energetic and happy.
ANAL. Can be a lot of fun. It does not SOUND fun. It sounds like an exam that we will cry about the day before, and possibly immediately after. How about something nice like 'Pleasure cove" or, "The thing I get to do and then adore you later" or " my nasty fantesy you bad bad girl" - any of those will do.
. Also - here is a REALLY USEFUL TIP!!! Girls need NOTICE for when you are going to do it. There is PREP time we need to make the experience not disgusting. We are not porn stars on call with an enema assistant and KY in our purse. The morning of - as a suggestion - will suffice. Oh! and we also need tequila!
